Can Sleep Training Actually Build Secure Attachment? Let's Get Into It.
- info4154956
- Apr 8
- 4 min read
By: Sarah Bossio, Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert
Oh, social media. I wish we could live without it. But we will never be able to.
Especially regarding parenting advice, we're constantly being pulled into extreme camps. And one of the loudest (and most confusing) arguments out there?
Right?
Today, I am here to tell you that secure attachment and sleep training can coexist. Yes, you can have both. Yes, your child is capable of loving you and sleeping in their crib. Let's discuss how that works.
First, Let's Be Real About Social Media
You are aware of how crazy your feed's advise can get if you have ever been scrolling at two in the morning while nursing or rocking a baby.
One minute, you're reading about circadian rhythms; the next, someone's telling you you're ruining your baby by not bed-sharing until kindergarten.
I like bringing sarcasm and real-life storytelling into my work because this stuff is hard. It's heavy. And sometimes, you need someone to say, "Hey, this is confusing—but it doesn't have to be."
For example, when my five-year-old peeped through the crack in the bathroom door and knew I wasn't in there to go potty, I was hiding and scrolling. She called me out, and honestly? Fair.
We all do it. But what we consume online influences how we parent—especially if we're already overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and desperate for answers.
The Truth About Sleep Training and Secure Attachment
I want you to hear here: I am not here to throw shade at your parenting choices.
If what you're doing is working, excellent. I love that for you. But if you're:
Rocking every hour on the hour
Nursing all night long
Co-sleeping and ready to stop
Feeling like your sleep routine isn't sustainable anymore
Then this is for you. Because I understand how it feels to want change, but I also hear the voice in your head saying, "I'm going to harm my attachment to my baby if I sleep train." That's not true at all.
Let's Break It Down With a Real-Life Example
Let's say you have a 7-month-old. A typical night looks like:
Nurses to sleep.
Wakes up 45 minutes later—Dad rocks her.
Wakes again a few hours later—dad gives a bottle.
Another wake-up—mom nurses.
Another—Dad tries to rock again.
Finally, the baby ends up in bed with you.
That's too many transitions! In one night, the baby fell asleep:
At the breast
In dad's arms
With a bottle
Back in dad's arms
In your bed
Are you now providing for your baby's needs? Indeed. However, from the viewpoint of a baby, this might be extremely perplexing. "Am I going to bed with my mother tonight? Or my father? Or with milk? Or in my bed? Or in their sleeping quarters?" Consistency is lacking. And that may seem ambiguous. It is somewhat erratic, which indicates that it is not very safe.
What Sleep Training Actually Looks Like
Now, let's compare that to a sleep-trained routine. Your baby is put in the crib awake. Every night at the same time, they go to sleep in the same spot. What about when they wake up at night? You always check on them in the same manner.
Comfort, check, sleep, check. And you know what? Predictability breeds security, and consistency breeds predictability.
Your infant will eventually begin to think, "This is where I sleep." I'm prepared. My demands are satisfied. Here, I'm secure. I have support".
That crib becomes their cozy, trusted spot. It's where they rest well, wake up happy, and know their grown-ups have their back.
Sleep Training Isn't Cold. It's Consistent.
I know "sleep training" gets a bad rap—primarily online. But when you zoom out, it's really about teaching your child how to fall asleep in a safe, predictable, loving environment. Every. Single. Time. Concerned about safe attachment? It all comes down to showing up, being adaptable, and developing trust. You are not disregarding your child's needs. With your love and support at their side, you're truly teaching them how to go asleep.
And Let's Talk Boundaries, Too
Saying "yes" or being available all the time is not attachment. The key principle of attachment theory? Healthy limits. We convey to our children that we value their sleep by establishing regular bedtime routines and making sleep a priority for the entire family. I'm available to you. Additionally, I'm assisting you in forming lifelong healthy behaviors." Distance isn't that. It's love!
Final Thoughts (No Guilt, Just Support)
If you love your current setup, I support that fully. But if you're tired and feeling like you need permission to change, here it is: You're allowed to want better sleep. You're allowed to sleep train. And you're still an amazing, loving, securely attached parent.
Did you know? I also host a weekly Q&A on my Instagram. Tune in or send me a DM on the 'gram!
I work with families one-on-one all the time who are experiencing issues with their babies' naps, overnight sleep, and more. If this sounds like you, please book a 15-minute sleep assessment call just so I can understand a little bit more about your child's sleep and then explain ways that I can work one-on-one with you to get it in order.
May your coffee be warm,
Sarah
Sarah is a Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert based in the NY/NJ Tri-State area and has helped over 500 families worldwide get their sleep back on track.
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