By: Sarah Bossio, Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert
Congrats! You have made the amazing decision to teach your child healthy sleep habits. I am so proud of you. I can't wait to see the results that you will get and for you to experience a full night's sleep. However, I would love to walk you through some common mistakes that people make when they're sleep training just to make sure that you avoid them and to help the process be super smooth as you achieve your sleep goals.
I have had the privilege of helping hundreds of families walk through their sleep training journey and get their children to sleep through the night, take long delicious naps, and to fall asleep peacefully at bedtime.
And I cannot wait to help yours, too!
Let's jump right into it.
Mistake #1: Drowsy But Awake
This may come across as shocking to some, because it is commonly advised to put your baby down drowsy but awake. However, this is one of the biggest mistakes made by parents when they are trying to teach their baby to sleep all night.
Drowsy but awake is okay for children up to the age of four months old. They don't really have many sleep associations at this point. They do need to be assisted to sleep and we can quite easily lull them into a peaceful slumber before putting them down in their sleep space.
However, once our children reach that four-month mark and they are ready to sleep train, drowsy but awake can be one of the most detrimental things to success at the beginning of the night. When you start our night "drowsy but awake," you are semi-assisting your child to sleep and that's providing a really gray area for them. Our children need to learn with very clear messages in order to be successful at gaining a skill. Imagine if you put your child to sleep kind of drowsy. They're not really aware that they went from your arms to the crib and they transition their sleep cycles about an hour and a half to two hours into their sleep.
What this could result in is excessive crying with more intensity than you would if you put your child down awake at bedtime.
Another reason why drowsy but awake just does not work is because your child may wake up completely after being transferred and then you might need to start the whole soothing process over. Inevitably, this means it will take longer for your child to fall asleep. You may actually have more crying than if you would if you just put them down completely awake. You may also feel some frustration because you need to be tactful when carefully placing your child in the crib, right?
The alternative for drowsy but awake? Put your child in the crib completely awake. I repeat: completely awake. I want their eyes to be wide open. I want them to be able to look at you and I want them to be able to fall asleep from an awake state. It is essential for them to practice this skill when they wake up in the middle of the night!
Mistake #2: Wake Windows
A second common mistake that I see families make when sleep training is continuing to use wake windows above the age of six months old. What are wake windows? They are the amount of time your child has been awake within a certain waking period and timing your child's sleep based on this amount of time, according to age.
Are wake windows bad?
Not really. They're valuable in the first couple months of life, ages 0-4 months. Once we get to 4-6 months, our children's sleep rhythms become more established and our bodies are going to be telling our brains to fall asleep at a certain time every day. This is when sleep is going to be the most optimal, when we are going to get in the deepest non-REM sleep and when we will have the best sleep quality throughout our day. In the 4-6 month range, your baby might be teetering between wake windows and using biological sleep times. If you don't know what biological sleep times are, you got to go check out my YouTube on bio times!
Once a baby is 6 months of age, I want parents to throw wake windows out the window and offer naps at the same time every day, aligned with their biological sleep rhythms. This not only helps to align with their circadian rhythms and hormone production, but signals to the baby that they nap at the same time every day in the same way they eat around the same time every day. As a sleep expert, I do not worry solely about the nap totals for the day as much as I am concerned with the quality of that nap. Naps with the best quality sleep are those taken at biological sleep times.
Mistake #3: Inconsistency
The most common mistake that parents make when sleep training is being inconsistent in their teaching approach.
Here's the truth: sleep training is hard. No one likes to do it. It's not an exciting milestone that parents wish to celebrate. Sleep training is not easy and crying can be aversive to some families.
That said, one your sleep situation is no longer sustainable and you know in your gut that your child (and you!) need better sleep habits, it's critical to have a plan for your sleep training and to be consistent while you are implementing the elements of the sleep plan.
Our children learn best when we are 100% consistent. I know that in your head you're saying, 'Well, duh of course' - when I'm consistent, my children will respond in a consistent way and we will see progress towards our results. However, it's really hard to remain consistent when we're dealing with human behavior.
When you're supporting your child in self-soothing skills, a lot of emotions will be involved, and there may be second-guessing.
Am I doing the right thing?
Is this the right next step?
Did I make the right decision? Is the crying normal?
Is it the schedule is about right?
My best suggestion to help maintain consistency is having a plan that you are able to follow through with. Make sure you understand expectations for sleep training.
Make sure you know what is going to happen on night one, on night five; how to manage naps, how to manage early morning wakings; what to do in the middle of the night. The process will feel less overwhelming because when you have a plan to fall back on and are trying to reach your goals while maintain that consistency, you know exactly what the next step will be.
Surprise, surprise! This is exactly what I do individually for families.
I create a personalized program for them so that they have all of the information they need to make sleep training successful and a little more manageable than if they were doing it on their own.
Whether you are using a book, a trusted resource, internet information, or a certified pediatric sleep expert, make sure your plan keeps you accountable and teaches your child in a consistent way.
Looking for more information on how to work with me individually or through a group program?
Let me know if you're struggling with this! If you're still wondering how to successfully sleep train your baby, please leave me a comment on my accompanying YouTube video. I'd love to interact with you and give you some help as you're navigating your sleep journey.
You can also subscribe to my Youtube channel, where I release the accompanying videos to these blog posts!
Did you know? I also host a weekly Q&A on my Instagram. Tune in or send me a DM on the 'gram!
I work with families one-on-one all the time who are experiencing issues with their babies' naps, overnight sleep, and more. If this sounds like you, please book a 15-minute sleep assessment call just so I can understand a little bit more about your child's sleep and then explain ways that I can work one-on-one with you to get it in order.
May your coffee be warm,
Sarah
Sarah is a Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert based in the NY/NJ Tri-State area and has helped over 500 families worldwide get their sleep back on track.
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