By: Sarah Bossio, Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert
Ooh toddlers, they're magical little creatures, aren't they? If you're a toddler mom, you're shaking your head and maybe have a little smirk because you just love them! They're so squishy, they're so cute, they're so sticky, and they can be really challenging because they can switch gears at the drop of a hat and without explanation. This happens sometimes with their sleep.
You may have had a great baby sleeper, never had to sleep train, always slept on-the-go, slept 12 hours a night, was a unicorn, and now you're wondering where that baby went when they became a toddler. This is what I would consider a toddler sleep regression, and they happen for different reasons than those typical 4-month, 8-month, and 15-month sleep regressions.
Let's talk about what toddler sleep regressions are and how to manage them.
Why Your Toddler Is Experiencing a Sleep Regression
I have worked with toddler families all over the world to get their sleep on track and sleep regressions are part of that! Sleep is universal, and I love helping support families through major things like toddler sleep regression.
The number one reason why your toddler may be experiencing a sleep regression is because, as they are developing and growing, their behavior changes, and they start to exercise their free will a little bit more.
You can probably describe your toddler as strong-willed, or thick-headed, or stubborn because they want what they want, and they want it NOW. I know that gets very frustrating when it's in conjunction with sleep, because those are stressful times for everybody. At nap time, you just want them to go down so that you can get your chores done or enjoy lunch in peace. At bedtime, you just want them to go to sleep because you're exhausted and probably need to prep for the next day, as well.
It's important to keep in mind that there are going to be ebbs and flows in our toddlers' sleep, but most of the time, the regressions will be due to something behavioral, and I'm going to tell you how we can support that.
The Science of Toddler Behavior
Impulse Control and Consequences
It's important to understand the science of behavior when we're talking about managing our toddlers and their sleep. This also is going to be helpful for other times of the day, because you're likely not dealing with defiant behavior just at nap time and bedtime.
Odds are, this stubborn behavior is presenting itself at other times of the day, too. They want a snack, and you say, "No." They want screen time, and it's not available. They want the toy that their brother is playing with, and they can't have it. Think of all of these times where we're constantly trying to put demands on our toddlers or say "No" to our toddlers, and they just want something.
Now let's backtrack and understand what is happening developmentally. Our toddlers have very little impulse control. They have very little ability to behave in a way that pleases an adult. This empathetic behavior doesn't really establish until they reach about 5 or 6 years old. They don't really care if you're happy with them or not because all they know is that you really love them, regardless of their behavior. So they're not going to act "good" just because you told them to.
They also struggle with understanding consequences. When they're behaving and we give them a consequence — like taking something away or saying, "Tomorrow, you won't get the TV all day," — it won't click with them, because right now all they are thinking is "This is what I want. I don't really care about one minute from now."
Functions of Behavior
We have to understand that when we are managing toddler behavior, we're dealing with tiny little people who don't have the full development of all of these coping mechanisms that we do as adults.
From a scientific perspective, there are four reasons why any of us behave. In behavioral sciences, these are called "Functions of Behavior". I'm going to talk about three of them.
When we're talking about the three reasons why toddlers behave, it is:
To get attention — "I want Mom's attention."
To get access — "I want access to the iPad."
To avoid something — "I want to avoid going to bed."
Interestingly enough, and I say this with as much compassion and love as possible, most of the time, we continue to see those behaviors happen over and over again not just because of our toddler and what they want or don't want, but because of what the parents are doing to reinforce the behavior unknowingly or unconsciously.
This science lesson is really important for you as a parent to reflect on your reaction to their behavior and how it might inadvertently be reinforcing or causing the behavior to continue to happen.
Managing Toddler Sleep Regressions
Common Bedtime Challenges
Let's go through a little scenario: Your toddler is going to bed and you're saying, "It's time to go to bed. It's time to get in your bed." Your routine is complete. The books are finished, the pajamas are on, and now it's time to hop into the bed and go to sleep. Your toddler realizes this is coming; they understand the chain of events.
They don't want to go to sleep. Toddlers love to be awake. They love to play around. They think that a whole party is going on in the kitchen when you're not in their bedroom (which we know is not happening). For whatever reason, they're not getting in bed.
This is avoidance.
They may say "Oh, can I just have one more book? One more book, Mommy, please," (which every toddler in the world requests.)
This now marks two behaviors:
They're avoiding getting in bed
They want access to one more book.
Let's break this down even further. You say, "No, you can't have one more book. It is bedtime." Enter: full meltdown mode. They're on the floor, they're screaming, they're tantruming. (Are you nodding your head right now? Trust me, I've been there!) We continue to tell them, "It's time to go to bed. No more books. If you don't get in bed, then you're not going to get the iPad tomorrow. If you don't get in bed, etc..."
This marks the third behavior: attention.
They're realizing, "I get to avoid going to bed when I request one more book because when Mom says, 'No,' guess what happens? I get attention."
All of this is elongating the bedtime process. As parents, we think that if we just threaten them, or are stern enough, or impatient enough, then they'll just comply. However, our reaction to that behavior is actually reinforcing the behavior. It's teaching them to continue to do the one-more-book request, the total tantrum, and the avoidance of getting in bed.
Effective Responses to Bedtime Challenges
So how do we avoid this? That is the question!
Let's talk about how we help support our toddler in that time and what it looks like, realistically:
We'll start with the same scenario again. Your toddler is ready for bed, the routine is ending, the books are done, and your toddler says, "I want one more book." You say, "The books are all done. It's time to get in bed." They lose their mind, they're on the floor. We have a couple choices here, but the last thing that we want to do is interact with them at all.
We do not want to give them any type of attention in order to reinforce the tantrum behavior.
Here's how this can look:
You just sit and say nothing. Close your eyes, sit against the wall, give them space to get everything out.
Then, whether they do it on their own or whether you need to eventually lead them to it, you praise them the second they get into bed: "I love that your body is calm. I love that you're in your bed. Doesn't it feel so good to rest your body? I'm going to sit here for a little bit while you fall asleep." That's when we give them support.
Eventually, over time, this will create a new behavior chain in their brain. It isn't magic and it's not going to work the first time (it's probably not going to work the second time!), but they'll start to realize in time, "Okay, I really just want attention, and I really just want Mom to be here, and the only way that I get those things is when I'm in bed." Then we're going to see them get in bed more willingly, minus all of the requests and the stalling.
Consistency and Patience
It's also important to keep in mind that when you say, "No," you mean NO. It's uncomfortable when you say, "No," and you know this means a toddler tantrum. I fully understand that this is one of the hardest things that I ask you to do as a parent.
The first thing you're going to see is a major, major reaction from them, and you're going to want to save them. You're going to want to protect them from that feeling and give them what they want because that's your natural response as a parent. That's how we are designed. However, keep in mind that when we hold firm to our NO, it means that, over time, we will see fewer and fewer of those tantrums.
If we give in every once in a while, it prevents a consistent expectation from being created. In our toddler's mind, they think, "If I just keep asking, if I just keep pushing it, if I just keep doing this, then eventually, I'm going to get what I want." What this actually does is teach them to perpetuate behavior because, in their mind, they have no idea why sometimes it works and why other times it doesn't.
This will only make them continue to push and push and push.
When we say, "No," and we stick to our guns and we follow through, then they know that the answer is NO. They might not like it, they might have a big reaction, but they know what to expect from you, the parent.
Maintaining Flexibility as a Parent
It's also important to keep in mind that, toddlers go through major developmental leaps, and these developmental stages will throw things off a little bit. I always like to mention around 18 months to about 2-2.5 years old, you're probably going to see some of this behavior start to pop up.
As they approach three years old, you may see it again and think, "I thought we already fixed this. I thought I didn't have to do this again." They start testing us a little bit more. They're trying to understand their world and their boundaries, and they're also learning new things at a very rapid rate. All of this affects their behavior. So, keep in mind that they're constantly developing and changing, which means that, as parents, we have to stay flexible.
Flexibility does not mean changing the boundary; it means being prepared to ride the wave when we get there.
Seeking Additional Support
If you're wondering, "Okay, Sarah, you've given me a ton of great information, but I'm going to need some more support," then I would love to support you. Please check out all the resources I have, including a specific toddler sleep training program that will help you navigate this time. I am so happy to support your family and I know that you're doing an amazing job. Believe me when I say this season with your toddler is so worth it.
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May your coffee be warm,
Sarah
Sarah is a Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert based in the NY/NJ Tri-State area and has helped over 500 families worldwide get their sleep back on track.
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