By: Sarah Bossio, Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert
One of the trickier parts of sleep training is managing your child's potential separation anxiety. Not only do we have to support them through some type of crying behavior, but we also need to have a plan to make sure that when they are feeling anxious from the separation, they still feel connected to you.
I work with families one-on-one all the time to help them manage the difficult aspects of sleep training — like separation anxiety — so that we can have the most successful outcome possible when teaching a child the life skill of independent sleep.
Managing Separation Anxiety During Sleep Training
Understanding Childhood Development and Separation Anxiety
I love science and I love to lean on research for providing appropriate facts about childhood development. Science tells us that our children start to experience separation anxiety around 9 months. It is most intense around 15 months, and then it should start to fade by your child's 3rd birthday.
This means there is a two-year stretch of time where your child may experience separation anxiety. It will manifest in different ways and with different intensities based on life situations, your child's temperament and personality, and things that they're exposed to in their environment.
Factors Influencing Separation Anxiety
We might expect a child who is in a daycare or an outside-of-the-home school situation to experience less separation anxiety. They may have different coping skills and different exposure to various caregivers vs. a child who is cared for inside the home full-time with perhaps a nanny, a babysitter, or their parents.
But do not worry! There are lots of ways that we can support our children and help them feel really confident in knowing that we will only be gone for a short period of time and are coming back.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety just means that your kids are nervous that you're going someplace and you're not coming back, or they're nervous to be far away from you. They enjoy the feeling of connection and closeness, which comforts them when they're with you.
Again, the intensity of this anxiety is going to vary based on your child's personality. Everyone can work slowly, but surely, every single day to build up your child's confidence in an age-appropriate way.
Interactive Games to Build Confidence
Two great games that we can play for our younger babies who are just starting to experience separation anxiety during the daytime are hide-and-seek and peekaboo.
Peekaboo
This game helps a child begin to understand object permanence. When we put the blanket, towel, or our hands (really, any visual obstacle) in between us, our child can't see us. This helps teach them that an object is permanent even when they can't see it. You help to train the brain to identify, "Oh, I can't see mommy, but she's still there."
Hide and Seek
Like peekaboo, hide and seek is a game that's especially helpful in teaching your child object permanence. One way I love implementing hide and seek is for parents to put your child in a safe space, such as a playpen or baby-proofed area of the room, and slowly start to walk into another room, all-the-while continuing to talk to them and making eye contact with them. This way, they start to understand, "Okay, wait, I don't see Mom/Dad, but I do hear them, so they must still be here. They haven't left me completely."
These are things that you can do during the daytime that don't take a lot of time or effort but will start to help your baby understand that you are still there, you haven't gone anywhere, and you are coming back every single time.
Separation Anxiety with Toddlers
Let's say you've practiced all of those things with your younger babies, and now you have a toddler who's experiencing some separation anxiety. What I want you to do is carve out purposeful, special time with them. It doesn't have to be a long period of time. I'm not talking about hours (our kids can't really tell time and don't understand the length of a minute, so don't stress!)
Try to put aside 15-30 minutes every day that's exclusively demand-free — not during dinner prep, not during bedtime routine, not during the demand of morning school prep, etc. This time should be focused outside of those scenarios so you can be fully present with your child and give them your absolute attention.
Have them pick out a book that they really want you to read, or pick out a game that you would like to play together. If it's nice, go outside and talk about nature. There are so many things you can do that seem so small to us but are so meaningful for our toddlers and older kids that can really help them feel connected to you and fill their attention cup. They need the connection, and they need their cup to feel full in order to be able to translate these skills to bedtime.
Consistency for Long-Term Success
Dealing with separation anxiety is not just something you can manage at naptime or bedtime. It's something that you have to do continuously throughout your day.
In remaining consistent and continuous with your teaching and reassurance, your child will start to become confident when it's time to face a long stretch without their parents, such as naptime or bedtime. They learn to feel connected to you even when you're not physically there, and they know and understand — without a doubt — that you always come back.
Are you experiencing separation anxiety with your child?
If so, does it ebb and flow? Do you find that sometimes are worse than others? I would love for you to let me know by sending me a message! I love interacting with families and understanding what your needs are and how it could be impacting your sleep.
If sleep is something that you're looking for more information on, be sure to bookmark my blog and sign up for updates, as I publish new sleep content weekly covering all things baby, toddler, and preschooler sleep.
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If you want to learn more about what it's like to work with a sleep consultant, please take a look at my sleep training packages and book a free discovery call with me. I can learn more about your situation and explain my approach; that way, you can determine if my services may be the right fit for you and your family.
May your coffee be warm,
Sarah
Sarah is a Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert based in the NY/NJ Tri-State area and has helped over 500 families worldwide get their sleep back on track.
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