By: Sarah Bossio, Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert
Sleep training can be one of the most emotionally charged decisions for parents.
The moment you bring it up, people either praise you for it or judge you harshly. Some say, "You need to sleep train, or you'll never sleep again!" Others claim, "You're a monster if you let your child cry." The opinions are all over the place! But, as a parent, how do you navigate all this noise?
The choices you're making for your child are valid. It's time to turn off the external noise and focus on what’s best for your family.
The Debate: To Cry or Not to Cry?
The debate surrounding sleep training often centers around crying. You might have heard of methods that claim to be "no cry" solutions. While they sound appealing, even the most gentle methods might involve some tears. That’s because babies are learning new routines and changing their habits. And, just like adults, they’re not always happy about it.
If your child cries because of a poopy diaper, they want to eat gummy bears for lunch, or they don’t want to stop watching TV, crying is a normal part of their day. The same holds true for sleep training— change can be frustrating for them!
Why Crying During Sleep Training Is Completely Normal
Let’s be honest: crying is a form of protest. When we make changes—especially to routines like sleep—kids naturally push back. It’s their way of saying, “Wait, this isn’t what I’m used to!” But remember, just because your child cries doesn’t mean something is wrong. In fact, this resistance is developmentally normal.
Think of it this way: you wouldn’t give your toddler something unsafe just to stop a tantrum, right? It’s the same with sleep training. A little crying doesn’t mean you’re being harsh; it means you’re prioritizing their health, safety, and long-term well-being—even if they don’t fully understand it yet. So, don’t feel guilty! Sleep training is about setting healthy boundaries that will serve them well for years to come.
Daytime vs. Nighttime Crying
Managing tears during the day? So much easier! You’ve got distractions, daylight, and it’s easier to stay calm and patient. But nighttime? That’s a whole different story. The darkness, quiet, and our own exhaustion can make crying feel ten times more intense. That’s why we often struggle with setting boundaries at night—it just feels harder.
But here’s the key: consistency. Those nighttime cries might be tough to hear, but staying consistent in your response helps build a secure routine. It teaches your child that bedtime is safe, that you’re nearby, and that sleep isn’t something to fear. In time, they’ll come to understand this new routine, helping everyone get the rest they need. Remember, a little resistance is part of the process—and it’s one that gets easier with each passing night.
The Myth of No-Cry Sleep Training
One of the biggest revelations I had during my sleep training certification was discovering The No-Cry Sleep Solution. Spoiler alert: even this book acknowledges that crying is sometimes inevitable! The truth is, no sleep training method can guarantee a completely tear-free process. Crying is a normal reaction to change, especially when your little one is tired, frustrated, or simply adjusting to something new. Instead of striving for a totally tear-free process, let’s focus on healthy ways to manage crying and create a safe, comforting environment for both of you.
Why Some Crying Is Okay
It’s essential to remember that crying doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. Babies often use crying as a way to express confusion or tiredness, especially in new situations. Sleep training is a big change for them! Your role isn’t to stop all crying but to help guide your child through it in a supportive way.
How to Handle Crying in a Healthy Way
The goal is to teach your child healthy sleep habits while supporting them emotionally. So, you don’t have to leave them to cry endlessly. Techniques like time checks and the chair method allow you to check in with your child, reassure them, and guide them without establishing unhealthy sleep dependencies. These methods give both you and your child some space, but they also ensure that you’re there for comfort as they learn.
And remember, responding doesn’t mean you always have to pick them up. Sometimes, your presence alone is enough to help them feel safe. Whether you choose to sit nearby, whisper comforting words, or simply check in every few minutes, consistency is key. This teaches your child that bedtime is safe and predictable, making it easier for them to fall asleep on their own.
Addressing Long-Term Concerns
One of the most common worries I hear is: “Will my child feel abandoned if I let them cry?” Rest assured, sleep training doesn’t damage your child’s emotional bond with you. In fact, research shows that babies thrive when they’re well-rested, and learning to sleep independently can be incredibly beneficial for their overall development. A well-rested baby tends to be a happier, more alert child—and rested parents are better able to show up fully for their kids, too!
Sleep training can feel challenging, especially in those early stages, but remember: children are resilient. With your consistent, loving guidance, they’ll adapt to their new sleep routine in time.
Trust Yourself: You’ve Got This!
At the end of the day, you are the expert on your child. Don’t let the polarizing opinions online make you feel guilty. Sleep training can be hard, but it’s also an opportunity to teach your child a valuable skill—how to sleep on their own. It won’t always be easy, but with patience and consistency, it’ll get better.
Remember, crying is part of the process, but it doesn’t mean you're doing something wrong. You're teaching your child how to navigate the world, and that's a beautiful thing.
If you're feeling unsure about handling crying during sleep training, leave a comment here or on my YouTube video! I'd be happy to guide you through this process and offer support. 😊
And don't forget to subscribe to my Youtube channel for more helpful videos on sleep training! I share practical tips and strategies to make sleep training smoother for you and your little one.
Did you know? I also host a weekly Q&A on my Instagram. Tune in or send me a DM on the 'gram!
I work with families one-on-one all the time who are experiencing issues with their babies' naps, overnight sleep, and more. If this sounds like you, please book a 15-minute sleep assessment call just so I can understand a little bit more about your child's sleep and then explain ways that I can work one-on-one with you to get it in order.
May your coffee be warm,
Sarah
Sarah is a Certified Pediatric Sleep Expert based in the NY/NJ Tri-State area and has helped over 500 families worldwide get their sleep back on track.
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